so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Okay
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.