God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
When they try to steal your moment.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.