I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
You Might Also Like
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Just me?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration