When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.