My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.