Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes