You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.