me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
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what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Does beer think about me too?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.