My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.