HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.