*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.