Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
🙏🏾
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year