Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.