If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.