The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again