My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
You Might Also Like
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Noted.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.