Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.