Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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my professor scared me for a second
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*sewing*
A thread
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Mad Max Arctic Road
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample