[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
somebody come look at this
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
.. do you even science?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.