Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.