just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.