I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.