FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please