There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Y’all ready for this
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta