My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.