i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Body by sandwich.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances