Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?