The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?