me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
No selfies while hijacking a train.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.