If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
english majors be like furthermore
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.