robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
☠️☠️☠️
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.