“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Donkey Kong sommelier
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly