Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
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I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!