[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Florida man
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.