Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet