World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
shut up and take my money
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
meow