God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
who will stop them
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶