I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Nice try, poison.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference