Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Cha-ching is my safe word
jesus christ confetti not now
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.