Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The Friday File.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.