[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
The internet is magic sometimes.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
This could’ve been an email.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?