FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see