Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Did my cat write this
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.