i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.