These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The news in a nutshell.
#Caturday
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.