Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
my retirement plan is braless
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Happy Febuary everyone!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
It do be feeling this way.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail