“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
it was a valiant fight
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one