Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You Might Also Like
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
What my back needs
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!