I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
You Might Also Like
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Got ya covered
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”