ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Finally, an explanation.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“our sushi is very fresh”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot